Laughter is healing and keeps life fun.
A motorist was driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened and he then asked what the animal was worth.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
“See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!” “That”s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!” “That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!” “That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.” Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think the stock market is heading?”
For years ‘n years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.”
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.
The three best jobs in the world are:
1. Designated hitter for a major league baseball team.
2. Meteorologist for a television affiliate station.
3. Forex trader
What other jobs can you fail 79% of the time and still be considered good at your job?
A stockbroker and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The stockbroker asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just want to have a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want um coffee”.
One day, a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse. As she is walking, she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-beam in the ceiling. She asks, “What are you doing?”
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Fletch,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Fletch, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
The surgeon said, “Look, we’re the most important. God is a surgeon because the very first thing God did was extract Eve from Adam’s rib.”