Laughter is healing and keeps life fun.
A stockbroker and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The stockbroker asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just want to have a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want um coffee”.
One day, a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse. As she is walking, she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-beam in the ceiling. She asks, “What are you doing?”
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Fletch,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Fletch, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
The surgeon said, “Look, we’re the most important. God is a surgeon because the very first thing God did was extract Eve from Adam’s rib.”
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’
A man walking in the countryside meets a shepherd and a big flock of sheep. The man tells the shepherd: “I will bet you 1000 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. “855,” says the man.
The shepherd is amazed, because this is the exact number. Says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take a sheep.”
Man picks one up and starts walking away. “Wait,” shouts the shepherd, “Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation!” Man says “OK.”
“You are an economist working for the government,” says the shepherd. “Amazing!” responds the man, “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you conclude to that?” “Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you!”
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out).